Maybe life is
this.
Just talking and
seeing and caressing the sweet donkey, not minding if I'm feeling the so called
connection to nature like they say it's supposed to be. (Like stopping
comparisons and pressure to be like anyone else and feeling quite at peace with
it. Just f*cking accept it).
I think I see
fluorescent colors, but how do I really know, if at this moment I only own my
momentary subjective perception and senses, not my subjective perception and
senses at any other given time?
I can't be in two
dimensions at the same time and I can't seem also to remember it. That's why
it's so strange to me, to imagine winter cold when it's summer, and summer
warmth when it's winter. I noticed this already, many times before. So subtle.
Maybe life is
this.
Acknowledging the
littleness of our micro human experience, when there's clearly something beyond
that is not rationalizable. It cannot be comprehended, and that's it, but I try
so hard, I always tried so hard to understand existence, and I remember this
teenage resistance I had about accepting we are all the same because we are all
unique, so I would never be extraordinary. Now, I recognize this ego of mine,
but I couldn't always do it.
(Man, I hate
flies!)
Maybe life is
walking and having philosophical insights, and write them down to give meaning
and to feel important in my insignificance.
_____________________________________
Possibilidade: talvez eu seja uma alma
nova, sem vidas passadas, e me sinta overwhelmed por perceber esta ferida
existencial, este "fate". É um aperto no coração, aperceber-me da
minha unicidade e insignificância num só corpo. Esnagada pela minha própria
insignificância, com tristeza e com rendição.
_____________________________________
Crescimento só é válido através da dor?
Terá mais valor se for através da dor?
Será que desvalorizo o crescimento se ele
não vier com a dor subjacente?
Se for fácil, será crescimento? Se for prazeroso?
_____________________________________
Maybe life in its
purest form is just sitting here and receiving wisdom downloads from the
Universe.
_____________________________________
Every little thing
is so overflooding with meaning. Fluid
meaning.
_____________________________________
Apenas contemplação.
Do que vejo.
Do que oiço.
De tudo o que se passa nas periferias dos
meus sentidos.
_____________________________________
E de repente, nesta tenda, num momento de
lucidez, clareza, vejo vários processos individuais a ocorrer, todos intensos,
cada um perdido na sua noção de (falsa) importância, todos numa miscelânea de
micromundos cheios dos seus próprios significados insignificantes.
Suddenly, we are
all just 5 year olds crying their hearts out for being unseen, unvalidated,
abandoned, abused in all ways possible. It's
the collective wound.
_____________________________________
A desolação é coletiva, mas a cura também.
_____________________________________
Life waves, Love
waves.
_____________________________________
Lessons coming to
real life
So [the next day],
they are all doing yoga. And just like the nature connection to nature thing
(or lack thereof), I second guessed myself (again), with this "it's
supposed for me to be doing this". But I don't feel connected to it. I
don't know why and I realize now I don't need to have a why for this. It just
doesn't feel like "my thing" at my core. So why should I be doing
something that doesn't resonate with me, just because (almost) everyone else is
doing it? I need to be faithful to myself [this is really a lesson I need to
learn better and I understood that now better then ever]. If I just rather lay
here, lost in my many existential thoughts and life lessons I've been
acquiring, so be it. So now I say to my inner critic: let go of expectations
and "supposed to"'s. Just do you with no guilt.
_____________________________________
Some lessons...
- in superation /
resilience
- in growth
through pain, but also not undervaluing growth if it happens through pleasure,
shortcuts, or it's "easier" (deconstruction of preconceived
constructs that are not mine at all)
- in connecting to
the suffering of others who hurt and abuse us, in having compassion with it but
setting limits, and to navigate those intricate complex relationships,
respecting the other's wounds while protecting my internal well-being
- in trusting that
everything is OK when I don't have a way to know or control it
- in letting go
- in letting go of
control
- in forgiving
- in accepting
- in not being so
self-critical
- in accepting
that life comes with every emotion and that's valid, and I don't need to doubt
myself about my feelings in order to accommodate others
- in not comparing
myself to others
- in accepting
myself as I am
- in being more
patient and gentle with myself
- in receiving
with no guilt, accepting the loop of giving and receiving as an exchange of
energy
- in life-long,
experiential, body kind of knowledge, expanding learning
- in living my
truths
_____________________________________
I understood I
have many deep existential scars, but I also have so many internal resources
and inner wisdom.
Life gets
overwhelming sometimes, but I feel strong enough to deal with it.
[This is not
escaping, on the contrary, is getting more deeply in touch with what's important,
it is to confront some hard truths and pains in order to transcend them
and grow through them.]
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